Too fat to deserve a loving family

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Walked 1.5 mile with my 4 year old today. Between both of us needing breaks, stopping at 2 playgrounds, watching bullfrogs and turtles, and riding a glass elevator to the top of a parking garage and down again, it took us 2 hours! It was nearly 75F this morning. We brought ice water and sweated a lot. Well, I sweated a lot!  The pic above was taken by my little boy this morning. In review of pics taken today, I was really embarrassed by this one. The way my clothes are so tight around my fat. A sausage. My big arms flattened and just hanging our there!
I felt comfortable in my clothes. My shoes were supportive.
I had on sunblock.
My little boy still hugged me, looked at me with love, wanted to take my picture, and held my hand the whole way.

And still I came home later to catch myself berating my body, my inability to “stick to it” and lose weight,  and how lazy I must be blah blah blah… so because I am such an awful person I am not a fit mother… and don’t deserve to have such a loving and supportive little family.
Whoa! What ruining internal dialogue! What heartfelt sneaky shame! But it’s there. . . probably the surge of exercise endorphins depleted? Regardless, I recognized it, was shocked, and did my best to dismiss it. Vigilance is required to keep this shit at bay.

So I chant to master my mind and allow my heart freedom to manifest. Daily.

Nam Myoho Renge Kyo

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One thought on “Too fat to deserve a loving family

  1. You will reach your goal. It just takes time and there are so many bumps along the way (I know). The great thing about kids is they don’t see the outside of the person, but that the person loves them. That’s all that matters to them. Good luck!

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